Wednesday, May 09, 2007

"A partner to play spades with the cards up...ALL TRUST"

When I was 17 years old my mom told me I would have a hard time with women in my life. Being a late starter, around that time I was just getting my first tastes of the headache, heartache, and confusion that comes with the game of dating. I guess she noticed because she called me in her room and asked what was wrong. Ofcourse I wasn't telling at that age but she offered up the advice nevertheless. She also told me that nice guys finish last but they finish the best. Moms raised me to be what she considered to be the ideal man and at 17 I hadn't grasped the fact that the perfect man for one woman isn't the perfect man for every woman. So I was stuck trying to figure out why a girl that approached me (thru a note no less...LMAO) and ensured me that there was nothing between her and her ex, had looked me straight in the eyes and told me she didn't care that he literally tried to run me over in the parking lot of the school (and she was standing there looking when it happened). Yeah dude was just trying to scare me off but I had to grab two people out of the way of the car so the shit was serious for me. The crazy thing is back then my thought process was "what did I do wrong"...yeah in those days I was definitely what I call a GUMP! LOL.

Anyone who has met me in the last 5 years would probably be shocked at who I was back then because I have grown a lot. I was about as shy and introverted as you could get. I wasn't talkative, looked like I was about 13 and didn't crack jokes at all. On top of that I was raised by women (my mother and aunt for most of my childhood) around women (sister and cousin) so I was ingrained with a very high adoration, respect and honor for women. Growing up like this was sorta like getting one side of a story...the thing is you tend to believe everything you hear because you are only getting that side not realizing that it means you would only get to see things in the same light as the story teller. Therefore I had a mentality that when relationships go wrong it's because men were messing up and figured I wouldn't have that problem because I was willing to do whatever it took to make things work well. The problem with this is mom never told me about the things women do...I was gonna find that out the hard way. LOL.

It's obvious by the above story that the young lady in question and I didn't have much of an attachment but I was still shocked and confused when she started talking to my step brother about 3 months later. Still, that wasn't the point in which moms had the advice for me. I wasn't tripping because I started talking to another girl I had classes with. Just friends at first but I had a little hope after we started talking on the phone everyday plus I have never been they type to talk to more than one person at a time even without the commitment. I know that's crazy to most but it just seemed most natural to me. The problem was she didn't operate the same way so when she was telling me all these things she wanted to do with me she was getting wifed up by the dude that was riding shotgun the day I almost got hit by a car. What luck right...LOL! So once word got to him about she and I being to friendly around school I had a group of dudes making stops at my job at Champs Sports on Saturdays followed by her making stops by my job on Sundays after church. My nose was open...I won't even front. But she knew it. So while I'm telling her man and his friends to meet me in the parking lot when I get off she was telling me to anything I wanted to hear to keep my attention. Eventually it got to a point where I had to leave her alone and I wasn't happy with it but it was the best thing.

Still, this wasn't when my mom handed over the advice. No, I would eventually give it another try with that girl after she caught him cheating and left him (ain't that a b*tch...LOL). Actually she started calling me again and being the GUMP that I was I openly accepted the attention. This time around came the physical interaction so I was feeling a lot better about the whole situation (LMAO!!!!). But even though I don't know if I ever really expected any committment, I was still blown when she all of a sudden had a new boyfriend. Plus, she was still trying to get me to stop by her job or come see her at other times so I was completely done with her then because I saw her for what she truly was now. The crazy part of it is now that I look back at it, I know she only wanted me around because I was so nice to her no matter what and she seemed to need it. All the dudes she ended up committing to cheated. I was the only dude that didn't kick it with other chicks. When I asked her why it went down like that again that was the first time I heard a girl say I was to nice. I didn't get it back then but my mother did...That's when she felt the urge to give me that advice.

This was only about 2/3 thru my senior year of highschool but it was the beginning of a track record that carried on for about 7 years or so in the same fashion. Girls I work with coming on to me even though they had men, finding out I've been lied to a lot, getting used to make a girls boyfriends angry, fighting over women who don't really care about me, getting dumped over email, getting dumped for the ex-boyfriend, finding out she's sleeping with more than just me, getting cheated on...let's just say women have taken full advantage of my kindness. It's been an interesting 12 years (almost) in the game and I have learned a lot.

Going thru all of this stuff you tend to change your outlook and grow from your experiences. One can only help but be shaped by the experiences of there life and my experiences have been the type that have led me down a path where I now say that I don't trust women. Truthfully I don't know if that's the proper way to discribe it but that's the way women describe the same exact thing wtih men so why not...right? Even so, I haven't lost my respect for women, or my chivalry, and I'm still the nice guy (as most of my friends keep reminding me...LOL). I still treat the women that I date the same way, in fact I am probably better at it than I was before. The difference is back then I automatically that all women were trustworthy and put all the onus on myself (and men) for being the ones to mess things up, now I am not naive enough to still believe that and know what women are capable of. Maybe what I am really saying is I don't have the same level of faith in women as I once did or maybe I should just say I don't put anything past women, but aren't those exactly what women mean when they say they don't trust men?

Either way I still go into my dealings with women optomisticly because I am an idealist and somewhat of a perfectionist in relationships. I don't take out my past on anyone and I am not out there trying not to find a relationship (although I have went down that road before just to fail). I just don't have those same naive assumptions of women being perfect angels at all times...I don't assume that she deserves the pedistal because it's hard for me to take her down when I find out who she really is. The way my mom describes it is "I have lost faith in women". She may be right but when it boils down to it I am still trying to find the same thing I started looking for at 16. (this is where the title comes in....LOL)

(hope this is what you wanted TC, Jess, and JAC)

Sunday, May 06, 2007

10 Weird/Unkown/Crazy Facts About Me

I first got this idea from reading the one JAC wrote and I also checked out the one TC wrote...

1. If you are around me for an extended period of time you normally find out pretty fast that I HATE CHOCOLATE. I mean like anything with chocolate in it turns my stomach. I don't even like the smell of it. It's just disgusting to me.

2. I was damn near 13 before I ever tasted chicken. Honestly! I was born with an allergy to poultry among many other things.

3. I am a huge fan of Michael J. Foxx. From Family Ties to all his movies through the late '80s to early '90s up until he retired on the show Spin City I have always liked him as an actor and feel like I grew up with him. To the point where I get sad when I see him looking sick nowadays.

4. I have a weird paranoia about flying bugs getting in my mouth. I can't eat without the room being lit well and if I see a bug flying in my house I can't go to sleep until I kill it. LOL.

5. Most people fall asleep when they get warm but I am the exact opposite. If I get hot I will be wide awake but if you get me in a cool or cold temperature then I will be out like a light. When I am at work in the computer lab with the AC blasting I STRUGGLE! If it's cold enough I will straight up fall asleep in mid sentence. LMAO.

6. I don't trust women. The way a lot of women think all dudes are dogs...that's how I tend to think about women in a general sense although I try my best to withhold judgement on anyone personally.

7. My favorite food is ground beef. I grew up eating a lot of it as a child so I have a lot of homemade recipes for ground beef so it never gets boring so it is definitely my favorite food.

8. I'm allergic to nuts but peas and seeds are cool. So I can eat sunflower seeds just like every other lil ghetto kid from "soufeas" but if I eat pumpkin seeds my throat will swell shut in no time. I found that out the hard way a long time ago.

9. I have a ridiculously good memory (shout out to JAC) but it works the best if it is things that are said. It's the way I learn the best also. Things I hear just stick with me and if you said it to me or around me trust me I remember it. LOL (it can be selective at times though)

10. Without my hair I look a lot younger than I really am. When people see old pictures of me they normally think I am a lot younger than I actually am in the picture. Pictures of when I was 14 look of when I'm 18 look 14, pictures of when I'm 21 look 18. I can't explain it but my sister has the same problem so it is definitely in the genes.