Wednesday, May 09, 2007

"A partner to play spades with the cards up...ALL TRUST"

When I was 17 years old my mom told me I would have a hard time with women in my life. Being a late starter, around that time I was just getting my first tastes of the headache, heartache, and confusion that comes with the game of dating. I guess she noticed because she called me in her room and asked what was wrong. Ofcourse I wasn't telling at that age but she offered up the advice nevertheless. She also told me that nice guys finish last but they finish the best. Moms raised me to be what she considered to be the ideal man and at 17 I hadn't grasped the fact that the perfect man for one woman isn't the perfect man for every woman. So I was stuck trying to figure out why a girl that approached me (thru a note no less...LMAO) and ensured me that there was nothing between her and her ex, had looked me straight in the eyes and told me she didn't care that he literally tried to run me over in the parking lot of the school (and she was standing there looking when it happened). Yeah dude was just trying to scare me off but I had to grab two people out of the way of the car so the shit was serious for me. The crazy thing is back then my thought process was "what did I do wrong"...yeah in those days I was definitely what I call a GUMP! LOL.

Anyone who has met me in the last 5 years would probably be shocked at who I was back then because I have grown a lot. I was about as shy and introverted as you could get. I wasn't talkative, looked like I was about 13 and didn't crack jokes at all. On top of that I was raised by women (my mother and aunt for most of my childhood) around women (sister and cousin) so I was ingrained with a very high adoration, respect and honor for women. Growing up like this was sorta like getting one side of a story...the thing is you tend to believe everything you hear because you are only getting that side not realizing that it means you would only get to see things in the same light as the story teller. Therefore I had a mentality that when relationships go wrong it's because men were messing up and figured I wouldn't have that problem because I was willing to do whatever it took to make things work well. The problem with this is mom never told me about the things women do...I was gonna find that out the hard way. LOL.

It's obvious by the above story that the young lady in question and I didn't have much of an attachment but I was still shocked and confused when she started talking to my step brother about 3 months later. Still, that wasn't the point in which moms had the advice for me. I wasn't tripping because I started talking to another girl I had classes with. Just friends at first but I had a little hope after we started talking on the phone everyday plus I have never been they type to talk to more than one person at a time even without the commitment. I know that's crazy to most but it just seemed most natural to me. The problem was she didn't operate the same way so when she was telling me all these things she wanted to do with me she was getting wifed up by the dude that was riding shotgun the day I almost got hit by a car. What luck right...LOL! So once word got to him about she and I being to friendly around school I had a group of dudes making stops at my job at Champs Sports on Saturdays followed by her making stops by my job on Sundays after church. My nose was open...I won't even front. But she knew it. So while I'm telling her man and his friends to meet me in the parking lot when I get off she was telling me to anything I wanted to hear to keep my attention. Eventually it got to a point where I had to leave her alone and I wasn't happy with it but it was the best thing.

Still, this wasn't when my mom handed over the advice. No, I would eventually give it another try with that girl after she caught him cheating and left him (ain't that a b*tch...LOL). Actually she started calling me again and being the GUMP that I was I openly accepted the attention. This time around came the physical interaction so I was feeling a lot better about the whole situation (LMAO!!!!). But even though I don't know if I ever really expected any committment, I was still blown when she all of a sudden had a new boyfriend. Plus, she was still trying to get me to stop by her job or come see her at other times so I was completely done with her then because I saw her for what she truly was now. The crazy part of it is now that I look back at it, I know she only wanted me around because I was so nice to her no matter what and she seemed to need it. All the dudes she ended up committing to cheated. I was the only dude that didn't kick it with other chicks. When I asked her why it went down like that again that was the first time I heard a girl say I was to nice. I didn't get it back then but my mother did...That's when she felt the urge to give me that advice.

This was only about 2/3 thru my senior year of highschool but it was the beginning of a track record that carried on for about 7 years or so in the same fashion. Girls I work with coming on to me even though they had men, finding out I've been lied to a lot, getting used to make a girls boyfriends angry, fighting over women who don't really care about me, getting dumped over email, getting dumped for the ex-boyfriend, finding out she's sleeping with more than just me, getting cheated on...let's just say women have taken full advantage of my kindness. It's been an interesting 12 years (almost) in the game and I have learned a lot.

Going thru all of this stuff you tend to change your outlook and grow from your experiences. One can only help but be shaped by the experiences of there life and my experiences have been the type that have led me down a path where I now say that I don't trust women. Truthfully I don't know if that's the proper way to discribe it but that's the way women describe the same exact thing wtih men so why not...right? Even so, I haven't lost my respect for women, or my chivalry, and I'm still the nice guy (as most of my friends keep reminding me...LOL). I still treat the women that I date the same way, in fact I am probably better at it than I was before. The difference is back then I automatically that all women were trustworthy and put all the onus on myself (and men) for being the ones to mess things up, now I am not naive enough to still believe that and know what women are capable of. Maybe what I am really saying is I don't have the same level of faith in women as I once did or maybe I should just say I don't put anything past women, but aren't those exactly what women mean when they say they don't trust men?


Either way I still go into my dealings with women optomisticly because I am an idealist and somewhat of a perfectionist in relationships. I don't take out my past on anyone and I am not out there trying not to find a relationship (although I have went down that road before just to fail). I just don't have those same naive assumptions of women being perfect angels at all times...I don't assume that she deserves the pedistal because it's hard for me to take her down when I find out who she really is. The way my mom describes it is "I have lost faith in women". She may be right but when it boils down to it I am still trying to find the same thing I started looking for at 16. (this is where the title comes in....LOL)

(hope this is what you wanted TC, Jess, and JAC)

13 Comments:

Blogger Shai said...

I feel ya. I sometimes feel like I am looking for the same thing I did when I was 17.

Sadly, many folks have become jaded after heartaches and drama. Now it is rare to find someone not skeptical of other's intentions.

3:05 PM  
Blogger jendayi said...

Well it's good that you ended the post on a slightly positive note. You kind of clarified your own ideas and sentiments but I guess I'll go through them just to add my two cents.

You've had some bad experiences Dane. That much is clear. But it sounds like you realize that it's unfair to shove your past onto another person's shoulders. There are a lot of songs about this subject it seems. I'm not him... What about us... It's not fair... Trust me... I won't treat you like that... etc. I do know that it's hard though; not to let your past creep in and harm your current relationship. But everyone deserves a fair chance. I loved this part.. "Going thru all of this stuff you tend to change your outlook and grow from your experiences. One can only help but be shaped by the experiences of their life..." That is so true. I think it was Walt Emerson or David Thorough who said that experience is the best teacher. There's nothing that slaps you across the face like experience.

You mentioned that you might not be describing your mistrust correctly and I think you're right. It seems you're more so AWARE of the other side of the equation than you used to be when living around all woman. I can only imagine how shocked you were by the females who did you dirty after being raised in an environment where you always thought men were wrong. That shock obviously has created some very strong sentiments within you. I don't think it's mistrust that you have though. At least it shouldn't be. It's just a revelation; a hurtful one at that. Remember when Terrance Howard said that women are just as scandalous as men are in The Best Man? (That was during the scene where they were around the table playing cards.) You're coming (or you've come) to terms with that realization...

"That's the way women describe the same exact thing wtih men so why not...right?" I don't. While I don't put anything past a man, I won't say that I don't trust him. Did you see "I Think I Love My Wife"? That movie is a prime example of what we're talking about here. I wouldn't put it past Chris Rock to be attracted to another woman and to think about cheating, but that doesn't mean his wife has to lose trust.

And what kind of females are you messing with Dane!!!??? Are you sure you're picking the right ones?

You've taught me something though Dane. I didn't like hearing that you don't trust women. That kinda cut and I almost wanted to whine and say "that's not fair!!! what about the good ones!!?????" It's not cool to hear that, which is why you will never hear me say that I don't trust men again. I don't think I really believed that or said it anyway, but I feel you guys' pain now.

Sorry so long!

5:27 PM  
Blogger T.a.c.D said...

like i said before, its all about your experiences...we shouldn't be general with people, we shouldn't label folks...

i think we all have had our fair share of negatives and positives...and a lot of it has to do with what you stated, growing up and learning some things about yourself...

the thing i like though is that you haven't LOST the core of who YOU are...meaning your love and respect for women is still there...and it should be...

the reality is, there are good men and good women out there, just like there are bad men and bad women...its just a matter of taking your time...good girls seem to be finishing last these days too, but you know what, we are still going to finish best...

just like you would tell me, take your time, and go with you gut...

listen to yourself...and TRUST yourself...

Your QUEEN is out there, just like my KING is OUT there...just take your time, she is out there...

11:00 AM  
Blogger jendayi said...

i'm dying to hear your response dane. i wonder where JCroft is too.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Daneger said...

@ shai - it is hard to not be jaded by the bad things that may happen in relationships but it takes effort to acheive just about everything in life that is good. Whether it be goals, finances, love, or just coming out of emotional strife. I'm gald you feel where I am coming from.

@ JAC - yeah that is a lot but I'm glad that I wrote something worthy of such a response.

I guess when I started to write out where my feelings stemmed from I started to work thru exactly how I felt and realized that it isn't exactly how it may have been portrayed in my initial statement (#6 of the previous post) but I have always hated the fact women write off all men and am glad to hear you say you won't be doing that :-) I feel what you are saying about the Chris Rock movie too.

As far as the type of women I have been dealing with...it eventually got better with time but I am still single so who knows what I will come across next. But to answer your question, I guess I dated the type of women that would teach me what God wanted me to know...or at least that's how I like to look at it. No regrets...just lessons.

@ TC - You are right, we shouldn't label folks. Honestly I think that me saying that I don't trust women probably came from women saying it so much about men and me feeling like I had just as much right to say it as they do. I am honestly not that narrow minded to actually think everyone woman out there isn't trustworthy as I hope you can see by my blog.

You know my biggest problem when I was younger was always taking my time and listening to my gut reaction. It's amazing how some people can give such great advice and fall victim to all the same traps that they tell others to watch out for. That has always been me. LOL.

@ JAC - Yeah where is JCroft?!!!? LOL.

2:07 PM  
Blogger jendayi said...

"I guess I dated the type of women that would teach me what God wanted me to know..." oooooo!! GREAT!!!! I'm feeling that!

11:00 AM  
Blogger It is What It Is... said...

Sorry so late...lol

Wow...Dane - this was awesome.

First - I just wanna say that I'm so impressed with your maturity as a black man discussing the subject of "relationships" - this was a great read. You are a rare find.

It gave me great insight into the initial comment that sparked it all.

I've had the discussion of dating the "nice-guy" with my Mom and Dad...

Because for so long, I've only been attracted to "bad-boys" lol - you know, the kind that have 2 and 3 women here or there...

WELL - as I got older, I realized that I wasn't only attracting or attracted to the "bad-guys" - I was rejecting the good guys. Yes, I too had that stupid way of thinking he's just "tooo-nice."

But now that I'm older, and I've had my heart broken one to many times, I'll take the nice guy over the "bad-guy" in a heart beat. I've learned my lesson. Truly.

And BTW - You didn't strike me as the "nice-guy" type when I met you...lol - jus playin'

Anyway - I'm SURE you'll make some beautiful woman a happy wife really soon. I know you will. And she will be lucky/blessed to have you.

I know I speak for J.A.C. and T.C. both when I say, Thanks for letting us into your world...it was really a learning experience...
Jess

11:40 PM  
Blogger T.a.c.D said...

and just as we are discussing this Essence has a article about this VERY topic in this month's (June) addition, check it out

10:32 AM  
Blogger Daneger said...

@ jcroft - "You didn't strike me as the "nice-guy" type when I met you" HUH? You and JAC are funny. Ya'll be making some snap judgments. LOL. I didn't even think I really talked to either of you much during that trip. I did drop a couple of flirtatious comments at you jcroft but nice guys flirt too...we are human. LOL. Only person I really had any conversations with like that is TC and I hope that she thinks I'm nice but hey maybe not. LOL.

@ TC - they have an article about finding a good partner? Nice guys? Going thru drama in relationships? Gimme a lil more of the specifics. LOL.

11:16 AM  
Blogger It is What It Is... said...

That's why...the comments made me think you were a "bad-boy" HA!!! LMAO!!!!!

1:53 PM  
Blogger It is What It Is... said...

Dang...update your blog. LMBO!!
Jess

12:05 AM  
Blogger dc_speaks said...

lol...dude.

You are not alone. I posted a blog very very similar to this one and j.a.c. sent me the link to your blog today.

come check me out and see how we share the same story...lol.

5:28 PM  
Blogger Daneger said...

@ dc_speaks - I checked out your post and it was really good man. Thanks for coming thru.

4:49 PM  

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